Seasons

Ever wonder if you missed it?

I feel like life comes at me in seasons. Some seasons are brief and only last for a short period of time, though they leave a longer lasting impression, while others are more permanent in a sense. By permanent I mean that they are door ways to your future, not merely a lesson you must learn but rather a path you must walk. These seasons are for the most part optional ... you can either take them, or abandon them, succeed at them, or even fail in the midst of devotion. Either way, none of these seasons are easy, every season is a fight. I am realizing that as I turn 24 I have missed many door ways in my past, though I have taken many profitable ones, I still feel as if I am in a season of suspension because of the poor choices I made in the past ... more frustratingly, the decisions others have made. You see, everyone of us has a will, and our individual wills are raging battle against everyone else's will, including God's at times.

I feel like I am stuck in the debris of many failed seasons that are overlapping one another, though there are seasons that produce much harvest, these seasons of failure are suffocating me and its tiresome to strive through the "day to day" battles with a suspended stagnant atmosphere hovering above your every move, thought, and encounter. I find myself wondering "Have I come out of this season or that season enough to expand my bounds of fellowship with others or will these new encounters bring more heartache and strife to overcome? Should I just stay quiet or walk on by?" It painstakingly obvious to me that the more people I allow into my life the more I will hurt. Some friendships are easy, thats fine. Others are a constant fight and I often wonder just what exactly is the problem? Is the problem seated in the corner of the individuals or is it something much bigger than us that is creating division? Sometimes it is both.

So, I find myself burdened by the seasons ... by the very changing of leaves, the turning of pages, and growing of distance between me and my community of friends ... that, as times goes on, feel more like acquaintances then bonds of brotherhood or sisterhood. I find myself walking around with my guard up all the time, not trusting anyone, always questioning everyone, and everything! Fearing the worst for my comrades ... that I will never be able to fit any societal mold. I understand people. I observe them. I can assess over time why they are the way they are for the most part and while I am still there for them I feel like every one else's assumptions of me are very very far from reality. Periodically I have people confront me, which is nice for a change, about things I have said and done in the past. I am forever thankful that people are honest with me but often times I find that people confuse being honest with being right. Is it hard to accept that your perception may have been a little off? What confounds me is that in these instances of confrontation I am expected to be the one exemplifying humility, grace, compassion etc. But, that seems completely contrary to what others have told me when I have confronted them about certain things in the past. Ultimately, there is a double standard being spread amongst me and I am not too happy about it. Really, I hate that I feel a release from venting my frustrations to this futile blog in hopes that it will fall at the doorstep of the guilty parties but, nonetheless, I still type these words.

I have fears. My fear is being trapped by the pull of society. I often look at the outcome and the price it takes to achieve certain goals in life and I feel despair because I am not sure that I am capable of producing what it takes ... after all, some realities seem so distant for me. Now, I do not doubt myself because I fear that I am incapable but rather because the price would be something contrary to who I am and this seems to be some what of a tacked on interest rate. Yet, I press on and I go through life swinging. I try to help as many people as possible and though at this present season in life I am made the fool in the knowledge of my surroundings I pray that through the confrontations, through the strong opinions, through the constant lack of dissatisfaction, that it will one day make sense to those who find a person like me to be lacking in grace, and compassion. I pray that the backdrop to which you attach these virtues is broadened in the future.

I fear abandonment. One season in my life that hasn't been a constant is my friendships. I have gone through many friends. I have allowed people to get close to me, and I to them, only to have them abandon me. I don't know what else I can offer people sometimes ... I give all that I can, and not to toot my own horn but its a hell of a lot more than I see others giving. Again, I think the backdrop to which we view a thing like friendship has been tarnished in light of society. I hear people say "God loves us right where we are at" but it doesn't end there! I don't know what your personal relationship with God has been like but never has it been stationary for me! I think this is how I view my friendships. Yes, I love you despite your flaws, like you love me, but if we truly love one another will we really let the other stay where they are at? Or, will we push one another? Do people still want to grow or do people just want to simply bleed in with others to the point that they go unnoticed? If you have a desire to be my friend you will never have to worry about not being noticed ... in fact, quite the opposite. I am realizing that many people want my time, but rarely do they want to hear what I have to say. I just look at people and think "God, how can this possibly be part of your plan?"

So, in my attempts to re-evaluate myself, and to analyze everything that has trumped me spirit thus far, especially in my recent life, I have sought silence and solitude. I have spent the past few weeks locked away in my room eating yogurt and grits to get by. I have spent countless hours reading scripture, watching podcast, reading blogs, writing blogs, praying, and just thinking. What do I have to show for this time? more. questions. I will not be leaving my isolated state of being until I find resolve. I have a feeling in my gut that many people need to do the same. They seem to be ok with the idea that if they can wait out the storm than the issues are resolved. I can not stand to go through life guessing at everything like so many ... there is something, maybe even another season, I am missing ...