I found my old video camera recently and decided to watch some of the old videos I had made over the years. There were videos of me in different studios, road trips, hiking adventures, and shows. I remember thinking a couple of things- First: damn I was a fat dude. Second: I look so carefree.
Its so hard for me to remember so much of who I was. It sounds sad but the way I utilize my time and my thought process are so completely different now. I know one thing was for certain- I was all about me and my goals. All I knew back then was that I wanted to play music. I didn't care so much about others- I only really cared when they got in my way. I was all about me- me, me, me! But, what really upset me was that as I thought about who I used to be I started to think of people I know now- older, same age, and younger.
Nowadays so much of who I am in centered on others. I observe people and im always looking for solutions for myself and the people I meet. I wont lie, or even pretend- life is as hard as hell now. I thank God for this change but at times I often wish for a reprise- a chance to come up for a fresh breath. Maybe I am some sort of glory whore in the sense that I wish I had more like-minded friends- to assume that my mind is the way a mind should be: no, not all together. It is such a bummer to know that the one thing you want to talk about is the one thing that others will barricade themselves from really talking about.
All of that to say this- this morning I found this video and it made me realize something about my video camera. The puddles that the author had thrown his rock into were actually me. It was my puddle, my rock, my toss. It just look a second take for me to feel it. Did I do this to myself?
Go to vimeo.com and search for "Reservoirs of Grief"
Perhaps I am fortunate to have had this camera and to have been able to document this stuff unknowingly ... right now it feels like I have a parking garage strapped to my back.
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