Last night a good friend of mine named Justin came through town with his wife and brother on their way to Nashville. He called me up earlier in the day and told me that he would be through and he would enjoy getting together so we could catch up and talk. Of course I was more than willing to cancel my plans in order to see and talk with Justin. Justin and I met this past summer when a band I was playing with played a concert with his band, Life in Rescue. The transmission on their van went out on the way to the concert so they were stranded in Hot Springs for a whole week while they waited on their van to get repaired. Justin and I hit if off really well immediately when we discovered that we both had a thirst for scripture. Though he and I disagree on a handful of things we are always eager to converse about our struggles in all of life, but we also have found that our theological struggles, to a great degree, precede all other struggles. I cannot tell you how valuable and reassuring for me it is to find more people that I can talk with on these subjects, in fact these struggles are meant to be handled in a communal nature according to God. I think that is something that people in my town of Hot Springs, Arkansas have either forgotten, or never really realized. Justin and I are very similar in this sense- we both want the truth! We both will go kamikaze in order to make sure the truth is going forth. This is often called "unmerciful" in most christian circles but I think if you reevaluate that idea you will find that such a label is preposterous. The point I am making is that I, you, WE need this sort of fellowship ... and we cannot make everything a gender battle! If you divide you are not unified!
I told a friend the other day that I felt like I had been playing tea party for so long with people. I would set people in their chair and pour their drink and hope that they would play along ... but just like the little girl who ask her older brothers to play tea party with her, it often involved way too much humility to see any sort of benefit. I desperately want to engage in spirited conversation but it is often met with either a lack of interest, a lack of input, or a pacifistic attitude. I cannot fault someone for having a lack of input all the time but it is my desire to use these moments to inquire of these individuals, and use it as a time of learning and growing. I guess my thought is "maybe I can spark the flint in their mind and pray for a wild fire!" I also sympathize with the people who are scared of theology, doctrines, and orthodoxy. I have seen people use political correction, from within a theological context, to destroy people. If I ever been like this I ask for your forgiveness, if I did so it was not my intent. I just want people to explore God within community, I want people to be open and honest with everything- but, that position is one I have gained from scripture. Let me say it this way ... I am starving for it and if it doesn't happen its not going to be beneficial for me or you.
I have this idea that people are afraid of learning because if they learn too much then they will start to wrestle with their faith, and if they are wrestling then their faith will waver and this will not be beneficial for their walk with God. Unfortunately, its the exact opposite- the more we wrestle the stronger our faith becomes and the deeper our love for God becomes. Listen to me- I can say that because of my studies I have been able to weed out the bad ideologies I had acquired from inherited assumptions that are the byproduct of growing up in this region of America, more specifically- the bible belt. I can say that my faith has strengthened so much because of my pursuit of knowledge and understanding because I have learned humility through it, in that, I can not understand everything about God, there is room for mystery ... and this has worked to strengthen my faith. If I believe but I don't understand I have to have faith in order to keep on believing. I want this for so many people. How do I help facilitate this sort of movement without losing the few friends I have left?
I guess I am at a point of throwing my hands up. I have always been a fighter but I have noticed more and more lately that I am fighting more and more battles that are keeping me from the real battle. I can't display my love for people enough, and though I want to, I just can't spend my time meeting the expectations of everyone ... it is impossible. Plus, its hard to believe the accusations of others that say "you are not loving" when I am trying to measure up to their impossible standards of love. I have committed idolatry in this sense I do believe. Maybe I have become an idol? Maybe instead of showing people the love of God I am trying to show them the love of Seth. But, can I truly be faulted? I bear God's image in the sense that I love, and I want to be loved. Periodically people, girls mostly, will say "what is your love language?" It took me a while but I came to the conclusion that I like spending time with people. I love people and I love getting to know them and I LOVE helping! I think whenever people upset me and I find myself knowing that I need a bit of solitude and that is a hard battle for me because I want people so badly but I can't have them. But, I think I like giving more than time ... in fact I think I want time in order to give. I love spending time with people and seeing that time cultivate a relationship that bears the fruit of honesty. I want to give people the truth (as best as I know it) with a total lack of regard for myself. I am self-sacrificial in this way. I will totally, in the moment, rid myself of myself in order to proclaim the truth ... often times it is NOT what a person wants to hear, thus- I am labeled as an asshole. This is the hardest battle for me. Lately in life I have wondered more and more how it is that I can set out to love people and have them run from me. I can try to rationally reconcile all of this as long as I like ... but at this point I think I would rather just accept the humility and count my losses.
I want to run away from and into community ... what the hell is going on?
No comments:
Post a Comment